Creativity and What Our Parents Really Want
Sunday, December 2nd, 2012
I recently realized that, whenever I’m doing something creative, whether it’s writing a song or a blog post or something else, one question I’m usually, and unconsciously, asking myself is: “would my parents be okay with this?”
Not surprisingly, this concern is particularly strong when I’m writing a piece where some of the characters are parents. In Steve’s Quest, for instance, Steve’s Mom is overbearing, maybe to the point of being tyrannical, and I fretted over whether I should play the songs she sings to my mother (in the end, I did).
But even if I’m not writing something that’s specifically about parents, the same worry is usually there on a subtle level. If I’m writing a song with a sad or angry mood, for example, sometimes I’ll wonder if my parents will hear the song and think I must be in that mood. What’s more, maybe they’ll interpret the song as my way of blaming them for making me feel that way, and then feel guilty or get defensive.
But What Would They Want?
There’s probably some truth to all this. After all, the songs I write, as well as all of my thoughts and feelings in any given moment, probably are deeply shaped by my experiences with my family.
And it’s not impossible to imagine that, if I wrote a song that expressed anguish, and my parents heard it, they might hold themselves responsible for the feeling conveyed in the song, or see the song as an attack on them.
But when thinking about this issue a few days ago, I had an important realization: even if my parents felt hurt by a song I wrote, that doesn’t mean they’d want me to scrap the song. They wouldn’t want me to stifle my creativity to spare their feelings. I’m fortunate enough to have parents who have, by and large, encouraged me to write.
Who’s the Parent Here?
Seeing this has helped me put my concerns about “hurting my parents with my writing” in perspective. But this realization might not be as helpful to some people. Some of us, I suspect, do have parents who would want us to repress our creativity to keep them comfortable.
For people in this situation, I think a useful question is: if you stifled your expression to keep the peace with your parents, would you really be helping them?
In other words, if you kept your parents from hearing difficult truths about your relationship with them, would you be acting in their best interests? Or would you be treating them like children, and depriving them of opportunities to grow?
Sometimes I suspect that creative expression is really about communicating things we don’t feel able to directly say to people. A lot of psychologist Alice Miller’s writings (definitely check her out if you haven’t already) are on this subject.
As so many of us find honest communication with our parents one of the hardest things to do, I think, our creativity can be one route to building the connections we want with them, or at least feeling like we’ve said what we need to say.
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December 2nd, 2012 at 1:21 pm
There is a fine line we walk when it comes to writing our own truths when those truths might hurt others in some way. I admit to having censored myself occasionally, knowing that my mother reads my blog. I word myself cautiously, trying to frame things in the least painful light. But, my words and memories are my own. Once, when she told me what I had written as a memory was wrong, I simply said “you can’t criticize my memory. It is how I remember things, right or wrong. If you want to correct it, share your own memory.” To my amazement, that worked. Still there are some things I will hold off on writing or may never write at all.
December 2nd, 2012 at 2:09 pm
Hi Steve,
I can so relate to your post. My parents encouraged my brothers and I to reach our potential They unfortunately are not around to show my work to, but when I write, I do wonder what they would think of it all. We are most sensitive to our parent’s opinions, so even when they are not here, their opinion matters. That is great that your parents’ support your creativity, even if sometimes they don’t completely understand it. It is definitely a way to further communication.
December 2nd, 2012 at 2:16 pm
Hi Chris,
This line right here says it all, “if you stifled your expression to keep the peace with your parents, would you really be helping them?”
We’ve been taught that the way to keep the peace is not speak our peace. That suppression of our own truths causes more ruptures in families than any mention of the real truth.
If we can’t tell our parents the truth because of some irrational fear they won’t ever speak to us again, then we have trouble telling anyone the truth. And they didn’t speak up to their parents and it plays itself out in situations like my mother and her mother and her mother’s mother all participating in “The Silent Treatment” or not speaking to each other at all for ten, fifteen years.
We have so many things backwards and upside down it amazes me that anyone’s still speaking.
Great topic! G.
December 2nd, 2012 at 2:38 pm
Hi Chris, my parents would much rather that I stifled my expression than I criticised them – even indirectly.
I do think this means they understand me less than they could (as far as I can tell – and others agree – their ideas about who I am in some areas are quite remarkably inaccurate; in some areas they are accurate)
I am told there is a saying amongst authors: F@#k Mother! (or Father or mentor or teacher or other authority figure I suppose).
December 2nd, 2012 at 4:29 pm
Hi, Steve. I do think that the voice of our parents is a remarkable force in the psyche. Thanks for reminding me of this and highlighting ways to recognize it and work with it.
December 3rd, 2012 at 1:22 am
Once I wrote a 20-minute scene in a comedy show. It was about an intern who recently joined a start-up mafia that only had two people. Their first job was to rob a DMV so they could take all the real IDs and sell them as fake IDs and make ten million dollars. In the story, the new intern was not so sure about the direction of the company and whether it would truly become anything.
Well, I was working at a start-up (company size: three people) at the time, and my boss was in attendance. He later told me that if I had any concern about the direction of the company, feel free to talk to him. Well, I was indeed feeling a little uncertain at the time, but I wasn’t expressing it in a scene because I didn’t feel comfortable speaking to him directly about it. I just happened to have picked it because it was something familiar and it was something ridiculous (come on, start-up mafia? really?)
That said, I probably would’ve thought about how my parents would think, if I am to write something about parents.
“If you stifled your expression to keep the peace with your parents, would you really be helping them?” For personal growth, certainly not. It’s also true, though, that some people don’t want to grow, some people don’t want help. So why ruin the peace?
December 3rd, 2012 at 1:51 pm
My sister recently told me after reading one of my not yet published stories that I should probably change a few things about one of the characters because it reminded her too much of our mom. She figured our mom might be upset. The interesting thing is that it wasn’t anything actually bad–it was really more the truth–and ironically I hadn’t even thought of my mom while I wrote it. Very interesting topic!
December 3rd, 2012 at 2:49 pm
Hi Lisa — it sounds like you care deeply about how your mother feels and how she’s affected by your writing. I definitely feel the same way about my mother — and I think that, if I censored my writing for her benefit, I wouldn’t really be helping her or myself, because I’m not sure that she would really benefit from a dynamic where I make sure she doesn’t have to get uncomfortable. But everyone has their own family situation.
December 3rd, 2012 at 2:50 pm
Hi Giulietta — I definitely agree that the harm people can inflict on each other by not communicating at all is much greater than the hurt they could inflict on each other with almost anything they could say. At least when we say things to each other that create hurt, we have the opportunity to reconcile, while not speaking at all deprives us of that opportunity.
December 3rd, 2012 at 2:52 pm
Hi Cathy — yes, it’s amazing how our parents’ influence, and our concern for their opinions, persists whether or not they’re alive. I think that’s an amazing thing about human beings, and that it’s an important thing to stay aware of if we really want to individuate.
December 3rd, 2012 at 2:54 pm
Hi Evan — yes, I can definitely relate to what you say about the cost of repressing your expression with your parents — that they don’t know you as well as they might otherwise. I can see that dynamic taking place with me as well sometimes.
December 3rd, 2012 at 2:56 pm
Hi Lorrie — I think it would be hard to explore ourselves so deeply that we found a layer that our parents didn’t influence. And I think that’s an amazing thing about human beings — how adaptive we are based on our surroundings, especially at a young age.
December 3rd, 2012 at 3:00 pm
Hi Kelvin — I love the example of indirectly expressing how you felt about your work through your creativity. Then other people got to see and benefit from your experience with your work, it sounds like. It’s interesting what you say about some people not wanting to grow — I certainly think that’s true, and I also get the sense that, at least initially, most people don’t want to look at the areas where they really stand to develop, because it’s too uncomfortable, but in the end looking at them is how we really find the happiness we’re seeking.
December 3rd, 2012 at 3:01 pm
Hi Coleen — yes, that’s funny how our families can influence our writing even when (and maybe especially when) we’re not consciously thinking about them. I’ve definitely experienced that a lot.
December 3rd, 2012 at 11:30 pm
I think there’s a huge difference between writing something that expresses an emotion that might be misinterpreted by our parents, and writing something directly or indirectly critical of them. I don’t want to hurt my parents, but many of their negative habits have influenced me to develop positive ones. It’s something I struggle with in this area — expressing without doing damage. Great food for thought, Chris!
December 4th, 2012 at 8:06 am
Hi Debra — I like that way of putting it — that, often, the habits of our parents that we find annoying actually promote the growth of our important gifts and skills. I can definitely resonate with that.
December 4th, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Wow. This is challenging and interesting post, as well as the comments. I’m almost glad I’m late.
My parents are both dead and so, I don’t worry about hurting them, but I must admit my writing, which is mostly fiction, does have roots in my family life and the people I’ve encountered. I didn’t use these people as a role model for a character, but there are things similar. Like Debra Eve said, I never written something fiction intentionally to get at someone, but thinking back on my writings there are themes to them relating back to my own history. I don’t see how you can avoid this as a writer. It’s often the well from which you pull the words/emotions from in one way or another. Very interesting post and I will thinking about this for some time:~)
December 6th, 2012 at 7:01 am
Hi Sara — yes, I think that’s true, that it’s not possible to avoid the influence of our families on our work, even if we’re actively trying not to write about them (because then we’re still writing in reaction to them) or not consciously thinking about them. I think that’s wonderful because my family is such a rich source of inspiration.
December 7th, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Great to hear this discussed aloud! It is something I think of often… and may well be the reason for my own reticence in writing certain things. I guess I’ve come to the place that writing is my only outlet for truth. So I will say what has to be said, but try to do this as – or when – I’ve reached a certain peace or resolution about it. So that the honesty can be delivered also with love.
December 7th, 2012 at 6:41 pm
Hi Alarna, it’s interesting what you say about reaching resolution around the truth and then writing about it — it reminds me of how some psychologists say that the real communication that we need to do with our families is with our internalized parents — the images of our parents that we formed early in life — as opposed to the real ones, who may never actually become capable of listening to what we have to say. I suppose writing may either be a way of talking to the internalized parents or perhaps a celebration once the inner dialogue with the internalized parents makes progress of some kind.
December 16th, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Part of my “growing up” — and believe me when I say, at 38 years old, I’ve only recently started to feel like an adult — has been learning to be honest with my mom. Speaking truth in love is not easy, and in fact, it doesn’t always come out very loving. But. Pretend, or grow. The choice is mine.
December 19th, 2012 at 11:28 am
Hi Angie, yes, I can definitely relate to what you say about only recently starting to feel like an adult, and I also get the impression that my capacity to feel like an adult is related to the degree to which I can be honest with people, particularly those who have been with me all of my life.
December 21st, 2012 at 1:50 am
As you can imagine, I’ve been struggling with this regarding the posts I have been writing about my mother. She doesn’t subscribe to my blog, but a couple members of my family are likely to see the posts through FB and what would they think about my sharing this Thanksgiving tale? Especially with the third installment, I hesitated a bit before hitting ‘publish’.
In the end though, I realized that if the truth hurts then it’s not my problem. But if I fabricate or embellish the tale and that’s hurtful, then it is my problem.
I needed to write about this particular experience because my blog offers me a safe outlet. I have found a lot of great support through my blogging friends, even though I don’t really ‘know’ any of them. It’s been a huge help for me.
Will I ever tell my mother that I’m telling all?
Perhaps. She’s fairly open-minded, but I have to catch her on a good day.
Great post!