Creativity and the Willingness to Be a “Wuss”
Tuesday, November 20th, 2012
Growing up, I believed that, if I told someone I was feeling sad or hurt, I would be “complaining.” People who complain, I thought, are whiny and weak.
So, to be a “good boy,” and later on, a “real man,” I made sure I kept my moments of sadness and hurt to myself. In fact, you could even say I built my identity around being able to tolerate pain without protest.
After all, in my mid-to-late twenties, I spent most of my time in my office at a law firm, striving to handle as many matters as possible without a peep of discontentment, and show I was tough enough to take on any task the “higher-ups” threw my way.
How I Got Caught Singing
Sure, this attitude had its perks. Some people admired my inhuman discipline and stamina. But one night, I had a chat with a coworker that revamped my worldview.
I had the door to my office closed, and I didn’t think anyone else was in the building. Believing I was alone, I momentarily dropped the tough-guy façade and started singing. The song was “Remember,” which Josh Groban sings at the end of the Troy soundtrack.
Suddenly, there was a knock on my door. My colleague walked in and said “I didn’t know you could sing.”
My first reaction was to be mortified. Not only did my coworker hear me singing, but she heard me singing a mournful ballad originally recorded by a guy who does Christmas song duets with Celine Dion.
I mean, couldn’t it at least have been something macho and aggressive like Metallica? Something more in keeping with the hard-as-nails image I wanted to project? Didn’t this episode make me look like kind of a wuss?
How “Wussiness” Feeds My Creativity
Actually, though, she seemed excited by my singing. “I always imagined you doing something creative,” she said. “I’m glad to hear it’s true.”
This was a surprise. Not only did she appreciate my singing, but she enjoyed hearing me perform a song that showed my softer side. To her, it didn’t mean I was weak — it just meant I was a creative guy.
It occurred to me, in that moment, that my creativity was closely tied to my “vulnerable” feelings — hurt, sadness, embarrassment, and so on. By hiding those emotions in order to look tough, I was actually stifling my creativity, and depriving the world of what I had to offer.
Soon after this realization, I started getting back into songwriting and performing, which I hadn’t done for a long time. Writing songs was easiest, I noticed, when I based them on difficult experiences from my life. My “vulnerability” became more of a well to draw on for creative inspiration, rather than a weakness I had to hide.
I hope other people who feel scared to share their creative parts are fortunate enough to have someone in their lives who catches them singing.
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November 21st, 2012 at 12:11 am
Love this story. So important, Chris. I think we often underestimate how open people actually are to creativity. I mean, there’s such a transcendence to it, it takes people to another place, and we all want that don’t we? For sure opening up and sharing it is a vulnerable place, but it’s also such a gift.
November 21st, 2012 at 8:21 am
Great transition from the specific, heartfelt anecdote to the larger principle. A+ post.
November 21st, 2012 at 2:22 pm
I have found this especially true in romantic relationships – that being able to be soft is appreciated.
Though so far as I can tell it hasn’t affected child rearing much as yet – I hope it does soon – and in a major way.
I do think things have improved for adolescent and early adult males since my time (I’m 53) I’m glad to say.
November 21st, 2012 at 7:52 pm
Great story. So many who are creative feel the need to hide their talents. Such a shame. I would think that would be a welcome relief to have a burst of song in a law firm. Kudos to you. That is wonderful that you were able to get back to songwriting and performing. These creative gifts should be recognized and not hidden. Take care.
November 22nd, 2012 at 9:25 am
Hi Patty — yes, I can relate to what you say about underestimating how open people are to my creativity — including people really close to me, like my own parents. I’ve discovered a lot about the people I know lately through “putting my music out there.”
November 22nd, 2012 at 9:37 am
Hi Dev — glad you enjoyed it!
November 22nd, 2012 at 9:40 am
Hi Evan — yes, I get the sense that approaches to child rearing are transforming, although I live in Northern California, which is probably not representative of the US generally, much less of the world.
November 22nd, 2012 at 9:41 am
Hi Cathy — yes, I’ll bet a lot of the lawyers I know have talents that they don’t show to others in the profession at least, and I hope they have outlets for them.
November 22nd, 2012 at 11:15 am
Great post – so glad you let your creative side sing out. We’re truly beings of many parts and the more of us that shines, the better for our world.
Love it.
Love Elle
xoxo
November 23rd, 2012 at 8:12 am
Hi Chris,
Many years ago, I wrote a grad school paper on men’s liberation. the professor a self-described ultra feminist gave me a b-, really tearing it apart. The paper was well researched. It took me a long time to realize what bothered her was the subject. Much easier to keep blaming men then take a look at the horrors men go through as well in their molding journey from boys to men.
I did a creativity talk – interactive- thing with lawyers and will do more. Occupations are for the most part, just a small part of a person, but for some bizarre reason in this country we encourage folks to make it almost the entire part.
I don’t know why we do that. It makes people crazy. I’m so glad you busted out of those chains and back into your singing. Before I returned to a childhood love of singing I almost went off the deep end.
G.
November 27th, 2012 at 4:14 am
Hi Chris,
I love your story. Something similar happened to me when I told someone once that I liked to dance. As soon as I said it, I realized that it might be considered a little “wussy”, but all in all, I think it was great to get it out there. To my surprise, it was well-received. Admittedly I’m not a good dancer, but I love to get out on the floor when the music starts playing.
I think that if you can really own it, nothing like that would seem like being a wuss. I try to imagine other people who sing or dance who are badass and that puts things back into perspective.
Plus I think people respect these kind of creative pursuits. So it’s good to just be open about it because people will think it’s great.
Steve
November 27th, 2012 at 9:42 pm
I have always felt horrified and saddened by the burden that society puts on men, starting at birth, to be “the stronger sex”.
. Sing loud and sing proud and if you can’t sing like Chris then just let down your guard. You will be pleasantly suprised. Fantastic post, Chris.
Speaking for the xx chromosome, I’d just like to say that I love creativity and the softer side of the xy type
November 27th, 2012 at 10:00 pm
Hi Elle — yes, I like that way of putting it — that the more of our parts we allow to be expressed, the better world we can create.
November 27th, 2012 at 10:03 pm
Hi Giulietta — yes, your story definitely brings back a few uncomfortable memories of being in academic environments and being at the absolute whim of my professors. I like what you say about recognizing that whatever we do to pay the bills isn’t, and doesn’t need to be, all of who we are.
November 27th, 2012 at 10:10 pm
Hi Steve — yes, it does seem remarkable how much people are drawn to those who are willing to show the world what they genuinely love to do, even if what they love to do is get lots of really painful-looking body piercings or something like that.
November 27th, 2012 at 10:13 pm
Hi Lee — the XX chromosome has itself a worthy new spokesperson!
I’m glad you enjoyed my singing — it’s funny, I didn’t originally want to star in Steve’s Quest, but I eventually decided that I wanted to make sure that at least the actor who plays Steve is the same in every episode, and who better to ensure that consistency than the creator.
November 28th, 2012 at 10:53 am
First of all, I’m glad it was a Josh Groban song. I love his music:~), but I get your point. It’s amazing the things that occur in our lives which makes us see ourselves in a new and, sometimes, different way.
I think we all have the ability to be creative. As you said, it’s allowing yourself to show that side, even if it makes us feel vulnerable.
You certainly discovered yourself in that moment. I’m pleased your co-worker was there to remind just how creative a guy you are:~)
November 29th, 2012 at 2:21 pm
1. I love Josh Groban! Was definitely singing to him in the car earlier today.
2. I’m glad your co-worker caught you. It’s funny, when we get caught off guard and our creativity re-affirmed, it’s …surprising. Whether it’s a “hey, what’re you writing? I didn’t know you could write, that’s so cool!” or “Wow, I didn’t know you could sing!” , it’s like it’s news to us too. We all need to be reminded sometimes, that’s for sure.
p.s. Creativity in a man isn’t wussy – it’s wonderful!
November 29th, 2012 at 5:03 pm
Creativity always comes from within. That is what makes it so great!
December 2nd, 2012 at 10:17 am
Hi Sara — yes, it’s ironic that someone in that environment would be the catalyst of what I’m doing with my life today, but I’m definitely grateful for it. Our creativity is always knocking on the door in, well, creative ways, I think.
December 2nd, 2012 at 10:19 am
Hi Kaylee, yes, I often marvel at the fact that other people seem so much more aware of what I have to offer than I do. I’m glad they’re around to remind me!
December 2nd, 2012 at 10:19 am
Hi Kim — it does seem that there is an inexhaustible vein of inspiration in there if we’re willing to mine it.
December 2nd, 2012 at 6:57 pm
I was caught singing, not at work, but at my apartment when I thought my roommate was out. We ended up going to karaoke together later.
I don’t sing out loud at work, but I am sort of known to sing to myself while working. There are some play lists of songs that I am so familiar with that I can put on my headphones and lip sync through it without having it affect my work. In fact, they might have helped because I get to block out outside noises and work with a rhythm. I don’t do it out loud though.
Okay, there’s this one time that I sang out loud at work. There was a period of time where someone at a cubicle near ours kept using his speakers instead of headphones like everybody else. So once when “Call Me Maybe” was on again, I just sang to it, out loud. He turned the music down. The only explanation for this is that he would rather hear my voice than Carly Rae Jepsen’s.
December 6th, 2012 at 7:04 am
Hi Kelvin — I’m glad your experience of being caught singing resulted in you and your roommate getting closer together. I would rather hear your voice than Carly Rae Jepsen’s too, to be honest.
December 16th, 2012 at 6:42 pm
I’m a lot late to this wuss celebration, but I wanted to add that I’m glad we live in a time when women and men alike are becoming bold in professing their vulnerabilities and learning it’s the pathway to greatness.
December 19th, 2012 at 11:29 am
Hi Angie — it’s never too late for a wuss celebration, as I always say. I feel privileged to be part of a generation that, in my mind, is breaking new ground.
December 22nd, 2012 at 4:25 am
So interesting! What a wonderful story
What I love, as well, is how seemingly innocent moments and comments from others can spark an avalanche of change. You just never know what’s around the corner…
And I agree thoroughly about the creative process. Writing for me is very closely tied to raw emotions. Great post!