On Leadership and Pleasing All the People All the Time
Tuesday, June 19th, 2012
Although I’ve been doing a lot of leadership lately, whether in the context of working on my musical, managing parts of my men’s organization, or something else, leading isn’t easy for someone with my personality.
My first instinct is usually to make sure people around me are satisfied, and when I’m dealing with a large enough group (say, around three or more people), satisfying everyone tends to be impossible without sacrificing the entire purpose of the group.
There’s No Simple Three-Step Solution
It might be nice if I could let go of this instinct by just reminding myself, like a self-help bestseller might, that “you can’t make everyone happy,” or “you should find a balance between pleasing others and pleasing yourself.”
But it isn’t quite that simple. The feeling I get when someone in a group I’m leading is displeased with something I’ve done can be intense and visceral — it isn’t just a matter of coolly observing “oh, someone is unsatisfied.”
Understanding why I have this feeling has definitely given me some useful perspective. In the past, I’ve thought of my desire to please as simply a weakness of character that needs to be erased, but the reality is more complicated.
Seeing That It Comes From Love
The truth, I think, is that the desire to satisfy people comes from a place of love and compassion for others — it’s not there because I’m a bad or weak person. I start trying to please everybody when I lose sight of the limits of my ability to help people.
After all, as much compassion as I might feel for those around me, it’s beyond my power to make sure they’re always satisfied or never upset. There’s no way I could control all the factors that create their state of mind.
What’s more, I think, sometimes the most loving thing we can do is tell someone “no,” and avoid giving them unrealistic expectations or spreading ourselves too thin to be of real service.
When I stop making a problem out of my urge to satisfy the groups I lead, and recognize that this need comes from a loving place, leadership becomes much easier. Instead of criticizing myself for wanting to please, I can focus on how I can act in healthy, balanced ways from that loving place. Rather than trying to squelch my desire to help or satisfy, I can look for ways to serve that desire that don’t leave me exhausted or resentful.
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June 19th, 2012 at 9:52 am
Oh Chris is a great post, just what I needed to hear today! I thought I was working on feeling unworthy all the time and I just could not do enough for others so that they would acknowledge my worthiness and make me feel better.
Then I thought I just deserved to have a reward because people were not coming through and I was disappointed and still striving to please them
Then I discovered my true point of reference was fear of being abandoned. After being home now for 10 years and out of the frey I am amazed and how I enjoy being alone, that I truly am an introvert, that I like myself and even love myself – now today I am even feeling better on this new hormone therapy and life feels good and energized. I can feel the creative juices beginning to flow and knowing that I am my own best friend – I know I will not abandon this person – what a relief
June 19th, 2012 at 11:03 am
Chris,
This is a beautiful post! I have this same visceral wish to help others. I appreciate how you are looking at this in a positive way and taking it out of the problem realm. And then looking realistically at how you can work from a healthy, balanced, and loving place.
June 20th, 2012 at 9:47 pm
A loving place is a great place to serve from.
Sometimes love is tough, and there is great power in tough love.
June 21st, 2012 at 8:31 am
This is such a good post. So many people exhaust themselves trying to keep everyone happy and as you point out…this is an impossible task.
I also like how you point out being aware of someone’s displeasure and wanting to change it isn’t a weakness. Sometimes this is a good thing to notice. It’s only a real BIG issue when it’s everyone in the group…then you’re right. Setting some limits is wise!
I’m so pleased you are writing again. I missed your words of wisdom:~)
June 21st, 2012 at 10:23 am
Hi Patricia — that’s interesting, isn’t it, how the fear of being abandoned can be related to the urge to serve, and the ways that urge can lead us to situations that aren’t healthy for us. I’m glad to hear how you’re feeling and what you’ve realized about yourself.
June 22nd, 2012 at 5:43 pm
Hi Sandra — yes, I think it’s amazing how it can shift our perspective on some aspect of ourselves just to stop making it a problem.
June 22nd, 2012 at 5:44 pm
Hi J.D. — I can definitely relate to what you say about the power of tough love — some would say the men’s organization I listed above is all about that.
June 22nd, 2012 at 5:47 pm
Hi Sara — I like the way you put it — that the mere fact of being aware that someone isn’t satisfied doesn’t make us a weak or bad person, but is really just a sign that we’re empathic people.
June 22nd, 2012 at 6:27 pm
I think we have the same tendency to satisfy people around us, and sometimes this could be overwhelming! We do have to keep in check our balance and our own Source of joy and calm.
July 2nd, 2012 at 12:24 am
wonderful insights
thank you for sharing them with us
July 3rd, 2012 at 4:16 am
As my own business has grown I’ve discovered I must give less of my time away.
Thanks for the reminder to continue looking for, “ways to serve that won’t leave me exhausted or resentful.”
It was so easy to “lose sight of the limits of my ability to help people”.
Glad to have set some fresh boundaries and new “rules” for myself, so that I’m of greater service to more people.
Great blog post.
Cheers,
Thea
July 13th, 2012 at 4:17 pm
Hi Joyce — whoops, I missed the more recent comments on this for a long time, it seems. Yes, I like what you say about keeping in mind and contemplating the Source.
July 13th, 2012 at 4:18 pm
Hi Farouk — thanks for the appreciation.
July 13th, 2012 at 4:19 pm
Hi Thea — good to meet you. I think that’s definitely useful awareness, to see the connection between setting boundaries and being able to serve in the way you want.