What Gives You The Right To Say That?
Sunday, February 14th, 2010
If you’re a blogger, or you do any other kind of writing, I’ll bet you’re familiar with the nagging worry that you “don’t have the right” to say what you’re saying. Perhaps you’ve been writing a piece about happiness, for instance, and started wondering if it was okay for you to write it without a Ph.D. in psychology. Or maybe you’ve just had a vague, unsettling sense that you should know or accomplish more before you put that article out there.
You’ve likely figured this out already, but getting another degree probably won’t help you overcome this feeling. Doing that may have others see you as qualified, but it won’t do much to change your self-perception. I know several people with advanced degrees in their fields who constantly fret over whether they’re qualified to write what they’re writing.
You’ll Never “Earn The Right”
I want to offer a different perspective in this post. Usually, when we get the sense that we don’t have the right to do something, we assume we can fix the situation through hard work — going back to school, waiting until we’ve got more experience running our business, and so on.
For a moment, try on the possibility that “not having the right” isn’t a fixable problem. It’s an idea you have about your basic identity as a person, much like your height or age. To your mind, you’re a person who’s undeserving, and that’s how it’s always going to be — just as you’re never going to change, say, what country you were born in.
For me, as well as for people I’ve worked with, learning to see the issue this way has been liberating. Although it can be distressing to realize you see yourself as undeserving, getting conscious of this belief is a major step toward letting go of it. This awareness also allows you to give up the futile quest to “deserve what you want,” which frees up a lot of time and energy.
Who Do You Think You Are?
One reason it’s hard to give up that feeling of undeservingness is that it’s so common. So many people are going through life believing they don’t deserve to do what they want. When you do something ambitious or adventurous — something they’d never let themselves do — you threaten their sense of identity, and they get anxious and defensive.
I think this is why, when we start a new project, we tend to get pointed questions from others, like “who do you think you are?” and “what qualifies you to say that?” (I suspect a lot of the anonymous, profanity-laced comments people leave on blogs are driven by the same feeling.)
When we remember these questions are fueled by a feeling of undeservingness, we can respond with compassion instead of anger. The people who question our “right” to do what we want are going through the same doubts and fears we’ve experienced. Hopefully, by staying on our path, we can shake up their worldview, and help them question the limits they’re putting on themselves.
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February 14th, 2010 at 5:57 pm
Oh yes…I confess to having the feeling that I am not qualified to write many of the topics I have posted on. That is why I prefer to emphasize to my readers that I am merely writing from my own personal experiences, that I am far from being enlightened and that I am simply providing a guide. It is up to my readers to “test” what I say and draw their own conclusions. My favorite quote is “the finger pointing to the moon is not the moon”.
February 15th, 2010 at 10:18 am
Hi Evelyn — your comment had me notice how people tend to make different assumptions about how authoritative a writer is claiming to be. When I read a blog post, I usually just assume that the author is speaking from personal experience — what else could they be doing, claiming to be God? But I know that when others read a post without a disclaimer of the kind you’re talking about they’ll say “oh, look at this self-appointed so-called guru.”
February 15th, 2010 at 4:28 pm
Chris,
This is a great article. We do set our own limitations. One of the key lessons in life is to understand that everyone who you think knows more than you or is more qualified than you is often the same as you. We all have the ability to do … it’s a matter of choices and perspective.
February 16th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
Hi Mark — that true, I think — as much as we’d all like to think someone has the answers, the reality is that we’re all pretty much muddling through, and that’s the human condition.
February 17th, 2010 at 11:12 am
My Blogger profile lists my occupation as “Songwriter.” And tho yes, I do write songs and have released a CD on my own label, I really don’t feel like an “expert” songwriting type. When do I expect to feel “deserving” of that title? When I have a song in a movie, or if a famous person records one of my songs? If I had 10 CDs out? I certainly feel like no qualified professional “expert” in the field. It’s a bit weird, as I don’t spend most of my time writing songs and / or promoting my music. But it is what is is, and I like being me!
February 17th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
Hi Jannie — it sounds like you’re fully willing to forge ahead with bringing your songwriting gifts to the world, even without that “I’m an expert” feeling, which I think is all we can really do. I for one am glad you are!
February 18th, 2010 at 10:12 am
Dear Chris,
This is SO liberating!! Yes! Bless you for writing this. I just love your free spirit and open mind. You have a gift for setting others free.
There is an aspect of this that I’ve learned through my own life experience (for me). I used to feel exactly how you describe here, many years ago. But today I know something very different. Actually a couple of things different.
One: there are many ways of learning. Sometimes schooling can be and sometimes firsthand life experience is the best teacher.
And two: we often miss something crucial when we try to learn everything that is already written about a certain topic. We often end up simply writing or doing what has ALREADY been written or done. We are learning all that is known to date on a topic, which may have it’s place, BUT… I’ve discovered that by trusting my intuition and innate intelligence, and drawing upon my own life experience that I more often than not bring something “fresh” to the table.
I did not know this consciously at first until people started to tell me, people with many degrees and much more training and so on. And they would ask, “Where did you read that, learn that. Who did you study with? And so on. It was then that I realized that they unknowingly gave me the gift of letting me see myself through their eyes, but also that there is MUCH value in NOT being influenced by what has already been learned or written about a certain topic.
There is another part to this. It can often seem daunting or frightening to go into a discussion, a writing, a meeting, whatever and trust that what we are feeling and receiving for information from within ourselves…could possibly be right, and maybe ground breaking…and maaaaybe even brilliant. Maybe even a whole NEW way of seeing and doing things. This can be especially hard when what WE are thinking, feeling, understanding is totally UNLIKE what everyone else is thinking, feeling, saying. It really does take guts to be who we are.
With time and age I’ve finally learned not only to trust myself, but to give myself the luxury of this type of exploration, even within a group of people, even when what I am about to say goes against everything so far said.
There is even a deeper level to this. When we DON’T allow ourselves to say, do, think — EVEN when we don’t have the expertise that others might have — we are denying our whole life force, our whole existence. We miss the opportunity of finding out who we are. We miss our own rise to brilliance. We don’t grow. We live in fear of the very things you describe here, rejection and attack (which is rejection). We fear the, “Who are you say that? WE are the experts. You don’t even have any training in this. You don’t even have a degree.” And so on. Which of course is also a form of control.
I am so proud of you for choosing to be a free thinker and live with an open heart.
It makes you VERY powerful.
This post is a biggy.
Hugs,
Robin
February 18th, 2010 at 8:48 pm
Thanks Robin — I’m really glad to hear the post had a positive impact on you and I always enjoy your enthusiasm. It sounds like you had a really liberating experience when you recognized it was okay to bring more spontaneity into relating with people. I know that’s something I’m working on myself.
What you said definitely brought up for me my days as a college undergrad — one thing I figured out was that a great way to get As was to stick to simply demonstrating in the papers that I wrote that I’d done the reading, and steer clear of expressing an opinion. That worked well for me, but then, inevitably, there were ways in which this way of being started to seep over into the rest of my life, with consequences I wasn’t as happy with. Practicing being spontaneous, as you talk about, and just speaking from the gut at times, has been an edgy but helpful exercise for me too.
February 19th, 2010 at 7:21 am
Once someone has a degree in any field it is quite likely the innocence which is the wellspring of brilliant innovative thought arising from innate intuitive intelligence has probably been laid to rest in favor of currently accepted knowledge. I have no right whatsoever to say that.
Robin, less is more?
February 20th, 2010 at 9:27 am
Hi Trish — thanks for your comment. What you said reminded me of something I’ve heard from a few of the therapists I know — it’s a challenge for them sometimes to steer clear of diagnosing someone in their heads, as opposed to letting go of the thinking mind for a bit and just being with the other person.
March 1st, 2010 at 2:12 am
It interests me that there is a move from a focus on the truth and/or usefulness or other features of the post to someone ‘having the right’ to say something.
It’s a version of ‘playing the man and not the ball’ (as we say in Australia). I take it that the person doesn’t want to or feels they can’t respond to the content of the writing.
March 1st, 2010 at 9:44 am
Hi Evan — yes, that’s the way I see the advice-oriented stuff I read as well — if the content speaks to me, I’m not going to write it off simply because the author doesn’t have a Ph.D. from Harvard or something like that.