Taking Back Your Self-Control
Wednesday, November 25th, 2009
(Yes, I couldn’t resist — if I wrote a post about self-control, I just had to pay tribute to the late, great Laura Branigan.)
Do you ever get the sense that some of your behaviors are beyond your control — that they “just happen,” as if you’re playing no part in them at all?
I know a few smokers, for instance, who say they’d love to quit, but they just keep “ending up smoking.” They’ll be walking along or doing some task, and suddenly they’ll realize there’s a lit cigarette in their mouth.
But this doesn’t just happen to people who are addicted to nicotine or some other drug. Some clients I’ve worked with, who came to me hoping to find more focus in their work, have said they just tended to “end up procrastinating.” It’s as if their hand, of its own accord, keeps grabbing the mouse and opening that Minesweeper game.
Knowing Isn’t Enough By Itself
How do we take control over harmful behaviors that we just seem to “find ourselves” doing? Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be enough just to know that what we’re doing isn’t helpful. Smokers can read hundreds of articles about the dangers of smoking, and procrastinators can learn 500 different “e-mail inbox hacks,” and often both stay locked in the same self-destructive patterns.
Many of us have read that habits like smoking and procrastination result from some “deeper issue” — maybe an emotional wound we’re carrying around that we’re trying to numb with our behaviors. But just being aware of this doesn’t seem to do the trick either — simply knowing we’re “self-medicating” doesn’t take away our craving for a “fix.”
Watch For The Feeling
One insight I’ve picked up from spiritual teachings I’ve learned, as well as my own meditation practice, is that getting familiar with how we’re feeling, in that brief moment before we start doing the unwanted behavior, is more important than any intellectual understanding. In other words, we need to notice the sensations coming up in our bodies when we’re just about to begin smoking, procrastinating, playing Freecell, or whatever it is we want to stop doing.
Because smokers and users of other drugs feel their cravings so intensely, it’s easier for them — if they’re willing to look — to understand what’s going on inside right before they reach for their drug of choice. But even people with habits our culture considers less destructive — watching TV, compulsively shopping, or something else — will notice some telltale sensation before they’re about to indulge, if they watch carefully. It may be something painful, or something subtler like tingling or twitching, but they’re almost certainly feeling something.
We find these sensations uncomfortable and want to get rid of them, and our destructive habits serve that purpose. To a smoker, a cigarette relieves the burning emptiness they feel inside. For a procrastinator, playing a hand of Solitaire releases the tension that comes up when they’re working. And so on.
Buddhist teachers call these sensations sankharas, and say the best way to deal with our sankharas is simply to be aware of them and let them pass. In other words, keep breathing, and let yourself fully experience the tension, heat, tingling, or whatever you’re feeling, without doing anything about it. The more you do this, the more you come to realize that the sensations you’re feeling aren’t going to hurt you. If you just let them be, they’ll pass away on their own.
When you learn to accept and even welcome these sensations, you become able to genuinely choose how you’ll live your life. Rather than spending most of your time running from feelings you’d rather not experience, you become able to do what you want, even when those feelings come up. When you’re in this mindset, the next time that burning curiosity about what’s in your e-mail inbox arises, you can simply tell it “thanks for sharing — and I’m going to finish up this project.”
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I recently had the good fortune to meet Wilma Ham, whose blog offers some great insights about communication and intimacy in relationships.
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November 25th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Hi Chris – As a serial procrastinator and follower of bad habits I really appreciate this advice.
I was drinking way to much wine for a long time, because I never stopped to ask myself why. The truth was, I really needed to go back onto anti-depressants but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. Now I’m on a decent drug, I have no desire to drink whatsoever.
But of course, I can’t take a drug for every single problem I have so I’m going to try out your idea – starting with procrastination. Thank you.
November 26th, 2009 at 4:05 am
Hi, Chris!
As someone who struggles with addiction, I know just what you’re talking about. It is possible, as you wrote, to identify the feeling that happens just before an addiction is played out. However, minds being what they are and habits being deeply ingrained, sometimes the addiction wins. And that’s okay! It’s all a matter of laying new track work in our minds.
If we can wait it out, and let it pass, all the better, but if necessary forming a new, healthier habit can also be useful. (Chewing gum rather than smoking; taking a walk rather than compulsively eating; etc.)
Happy Thanksgiving!
November 27th, 2009 at 10:56 am
‘Feelings, nothing more than feelings. Trying to forget my feelings of…”
I actually sang that song in a play in Grade 9.
Anyway… This ties in so beautifully with the core of your wonderful book. Getting to the root, the emotions.
I agree with acknowledging feelings and letting them pass, such wonderful power in that.
We are so much more powerful than we realize.
Hey purposeful POWER, I totally think you know what you’re doing here, Chris!!
November 27th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Hi Cath — thanks for your comment, and I think that wisdom you share is something a lot of us could stand to realize — that, as much as we’d like it to be true, we can’t drug away every experience that we don’t want. Instead, we have to develop a more welcoming relationship with those experiences.
November 27th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Hi Megan — that’s an important point, I think, that many of us spend so much time beating ourselves up when we give into our unwanted urges, when the most helpful thing to do is to accept our human imperfection.
November 27th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Hi Jannie — thanks for the vote of confidence and I’m glad you’re enjoying the book. I think I know what I’m doing too, which sure is a stark contrast with a year or two ago.
November 27th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Hi Chris. I’m wrestling with myself these days on getting up at a decent hour. Perhaps it’s the effect of the shorter, darker, wintry days. But since I don’t have to get up and be at work by 9 (I work for myself) I’ve been letting myself sleep in. However, ideally I would like to get up earlier so I would have more time for things such as meditation or yoga, writing or blogging. Even when I wake at 6 am, I manage to lounge in bed until close to 8. Either I’m avoiding something, or I’m enjoying life and trying to sabotage that enjoyment
Still reflecting on this.
November 28th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Dear Chris, this is so so soothing to read. I am blessed to not really have any uncontrollable behavior (although that was not always the case), but friends have often pointed this out to me or asked why I don’t have uncontrollable behavior, BUT when I read what you wrote here it gave me words that I can pass on to others.
I never liked so many of the hard and fast ways of dealing with “uncontrollables”. I always felt there was a more compassionate and intrinsic way to move through uncontrollable behavior and you have just shared it. And you’ve written it so beautifully. You know Chris, there is great power in this soothing breathe, be aware, let it move through me sequence you have described.
In my second book that I’m working on now, I write about not trying to “get rid” of something, but rather just “starving” it by breathing (I counted to 100 and breathed) and let it pass moment by moment, until one day I woke up and it was gone. When deprived of the action the uncontrollable could not longer survive inside me. It just withered away to nothing.
Very compassionate writing.
Thank you Chris.
November 28th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Hmmm….how interesting….I have often wondered how to help someone who wishes to give up his/her addictions such as smoking. The tendency to run away and not face up is indeed a typical response. Watching the sensation may just do the trick! Thanks for sharing with me!
November 29th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Hi Davina — that’s interesting — I wonder what’s going on when you want to get up but you run into some sort of resistance? Is there anything in particular that you’re feeling or thinking when that’s happening? I find this kind of curiosity helpful when I’m trying to understand my own odd habits.
November 29th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Hi Robin — yes, I think compassion is the essence of this practice — it’s not an attempt to fight against or shame the sensation, which I think is what most of us are used to doing. I think letting whatever’s coming up complete its sequence, as you say, is a great way to put it — it’s as if, when we go and do some addictive behavior, we actually interrupt the sequence rather than letting it finish and dissolve on its own.
November 29th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Hi Evelyn — that reminds me of a story I heard about a man who asked Osho what he should do to quit smoking. Osho apparently said “smoke consciously” — that the man should observe himself closely as he felt the urge to smoke and gave into it — and that if he was fully conscious of what he was doing, rather than running on autopilot, doing something so harmful to him would be impossible.
November 30th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Chris — This post made really made me think. I have a bad habit of not taking breaks. I often will work through my lunch. It’s almost 2:30pm and I still haven’t eaten lunch. I think this is due to either being way too focused or over persistent??? Whatever, it’s not healthy!!!
After reading what you said, I sat in my chair, stopped writing for a few minutes and payed attention to what I was feeling. I realized I was hungry and tired.
Therefore, thank you for this post. I am leaving now to take a break and eat my lunch:~)
November 30th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Hi Sara — I can definitely relate — for a lot of us, I think, work is an exercise in forgetting our bodies and becoming totally absorbed in the computer screen, and just stepping back for a moment and remembering we have this body with sensations and needs and so on is a great way to get perspective. Enjoy your lunch.