The Trouble With Modesty
Wednesday, August 26th, 2009
One reason many of us are holding back from doing what we really want, in our work and elsewhere, is our desire to be “modest”—to avoid boasting, taking up too much space, and demanding too much attention. Modesty is usually seen as a virtue—no one likes a bragger, and blessed are the meek, right?
But there’s an uncomfortable question we don’t often look at: what really motivates us to be modest? Is it just because we want to be virtuous people? For a lot of us, in my experience, this isn’t the real reason. Many of us, I think, act modestly because we think it will get us approval. We want others to notice how humble and unassuming we are, and praise us for it. “Look how quiet and well-behaved he or she is!” we want them to say.
There’s No “Modesty Medal”
Unfortunately, acting modestly doesn’t usually achieve this goal. Because being modest means shunning the spotlight and downplaying ourselves, it’s actually a surefire way not to get noticed. Nobody will notice the items we’re too modest to put on our resume, the product we’re too modest to advertise, or the article we’re too modest to publish.
The result, for many of us, is that we carry around a lot of resentment toward others for failing to notice us. “Why won’t they use my services?” we wonder. “Why didn’t I get the promotion?” “Why didn’t she talk to me at the party?” Often, we don’t even realize it’s actually our own efforts to stay invisible that keep others from seeing us, and the world starts to look like a bleak, neglectful place.
Muddling Through the Modesty Mire
Although we may understand how our modesty keeps us from achieving our goals, many of us still feel drawn to modest behavior because it just feels like “the right thing to do.” We can start breaking with this conditioning, I think, by seeing that we probably took on our “modest” behaviors in response to much earlier circumstances in our lives.
For instance, some of us grew up in families where children were expected to be “seen but not heard,” and got punished for making noise or expressing an opinion. Or maybe we were put in charge of caring for an ailing parent or relative, and we were expected to put our attention on them instead of ourselves. In these situations, it makes perfect sense to avoid “tooting your own horn” if you want to be appreciated and stay safe.
Hiding out like this can become so habitual that we start mistaking it for our identity, as opposed to just a strategy for getting by when we were young. When this happens, being “humble” no longer feels like a choice, because it seems like just part of who we are. But the more we get conscious of why we decided to be modest, and recognize that the situations we were reacting to don’t exist anymore, the easier it becomes to let our light shine—to tell others about the projects we’re up to, meet new people, and otherwise go for what we want.
Many of us who are accustomed to acting modestly assume that, if we stopped holding back, the only other option would be to belittle or try to outshine others. I worried about this myself as I worked on letting go of some of my own “modest” behaviors.
But in fact, stepping into the spotlight more often in my life has helped me let go of a lot of anger. I stopped feeling so slighted by people who “ignored me” when I recognized I was actually in charge of how much recognition I got. In other words, I live in a world that will see me if I’m willing to be seen.
How does this resonate with you? I’m looking forward to hearing.
Link Love: I thought about Tom Volkar when I was writing this—he often writes about making sure not to sell yourself short in your business life—so it feels natural to link to him here. Tom coaches entrepreneurs in transitioning into self-employment, and his blog posts will definitely help kick you into gear, no matter where you’re at in your career journey.
Related posts:
 | Steve's Quest, the animated musical comedy, is coming soon. To stay updated, sign up via the show's Facebook page or follow the creator on Twitter. |
August 26th, 2009 at 8:40 am
This is a BIG problem that I have, behaving modestly. Sometimes, I’ll even give other people the credit that is rightfully mine, just because I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging. I’ve never really considered it to be a problem, though. Could it be that I’ve been doing it so long that I’ve just integrated it into my personality, as you describe above? Hmm It’s possible. Now, I’m gonna have to do an experiment or two, and test this.
Thanks for another great post!
August 26th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Hi Jay — that’s something I’ve noticed in myself as well around getting credit for something — I’ve found it useful to ask “what’s going to happen if they think I am bragging? Will there be a rip in the space-time continuum?” Anyway, I look forward to hearing about your experiment.
August 26th, 2009 at 11:03 am
This was so valuable for me Chris. I think I am just now in this past year starting to come out of my “modesty” shell.
I don’t know how I got there. I have some ideas. It is like from the time we are born it is fed to us not to think too highly of ourselves and not to be so proud, etc, etc…. And fast forward to today and here we are, stuck with modesty that isn’t doing anyone any good.
The internet and the writing I do now on sites is really helping though. It is not that I have ever had a problem with confidence. Oh no, I am very confident, but modest for the most part. And I know that when it comes to everyday life, yes perhaps that is nice and perhaps it works. But when it comes to the Internet or being your own boss, or having your own business, modesty is definitely not a virtue. I know we are not talking about being overbearing, obnoxious people, but being all meek and mild is in many ways just as bad – either way in those two cases, people dismiss you.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Hi Evita — that’s a good point — that holding ourselves back today doesn’t really serve anyone, even though it might have made our parents’ lives easier to have humble children. And, like you say, saying something positive about yourself doesn’t have to cut everyone else down, which I think is a common worry among people who are dealing with the fear of self-promotion.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
The time to hesitate it through
no time for modesty & mire
try now we can only prove
and our bigness be a raging fire
Come on Baby, let’s not hide
Lets show the stuff we got inside
Try to set the world in Fiie-yer.
(With apologies to Jim Morrison.)
Tom Volkar is one of my favorite people.
And you are too!
August 26th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Welcome back Jannie. Yeah! We want the world and we want it now! Break on through, yeah!
August 26th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
The problem I have is that I really don’t think that I have the answer to life the universe and everything. Though I do think my stuff can stand up well against the other stuff out there. But if I don’t stay that it is the answer to life the universe and everything, which is what others say (OK I’m exaggerating, but only a little) then I don’t get the attention.
Haven’t found a way through this muddle yet.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:52 am
Hi there Chris – I feel a BOAST coming on.
When I was younger, I think I didn’t have enough self-confidence to put myself forward in any way – with predictable results. These days I am doing several things I am good at (see!) – and I feel I am able to let people know about it in a calm way that doesn’t seem over-the-top. I think your observation at the start about the real reason people are modest is spot-on!
August 27th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Hi Evan — I can get how it would be frustrating to see the world as a place where you have to choose between integrity and success — that unless you pretend to be something you aren’t, people won’t see you. Does that sound like the place you’re coming from?
August 27th, 2009 at 8:09 am
Thanks Robin — now I’m in suspense and I want to know what you’re doing!
August 27th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Entirely correct. I don’t mean that I am faultless or even admirable – my comment pertains to the copy and how it is written.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Hi Chris – The expression you used – “taking up too much space” – in relation to being modest really hits the nail on the head. When most people are being modest, they are really hiding themselves, afraid of taking up too much space, so they live by shrinking themselves. I’ve been here too, but ultimately you don’t help yourself or anyone else by living this way. Knowing what you do well, doing it and not hiding it help you to make a contribution that you can be proud of. Nice post.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:20 am
Ha, I laughed aloud when I read you describing my childhood household. Were you there?!!
I was JUST (two minutes before reading this) thinking about my ol’ (young?) modest self. Someone told me that Facebook is a great place to promote my blog and I thought, “I don’t feel comfortable selling my blog that way. If others want to promote it, fine… But it doesn’t feel right to always be selling.” Oddly, I have a really hard time with people who try to sell me on anything. ANYTHING! If it comes as a word-of-mouth recommendation, great, but if there’s a hard sell involved, no thank you! Obviously I now see the two as being linked – my modesty and my ill-desire to be sold to.
As Jay said, I’m going to have to give this more thought!
GREAT post, and great timing. Thank you!
August 28th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Hi Amanda — that’s a good way of putting it, I think — that in the end no one is served when we’re modest, because there’s no one we need to please by being well-behaved anymore.
August 28th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Hi Megan — I’ve definitely felt those concerns about people selling me things too, and like you said it’s a result of my discomfort with a “shadow” part of me that’s really open and exposed. Seeing that it’s part of me, and that I don’t have to deny that it exists anymore, is liberating.
August 28th, 2009 at 8:55 am
I sometimes wonder too much if I am “bragging” by sharing positive things that are going on with me. And then I just decided, I will grab those moments of joy and share. Why hide good news?
Btw, you would look great in pink and purple clothes, I just know it LOL.
August 28th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Hi Jewel — I like that idea for an exercise — I often find it useful in those moments to notice what’s going on in my body, like maybe a sinking feeling, and breathe into the place where the feeling is coming up.
It may shock you to hear this but I haven’t done much experimenting with pink or purple in my wardrobe, but I imagine purple would work well on me because it is, after all, the color of royalty.
August 29th, 2009 at 8:55 am